Kerry Thornley, Factsheet Five No. 33, Dec. 1989

"HOW TO FORGET ABOUT JESUS AND CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE!"

by Kerry Wendell Thornley

Originally published in Factsheet Five, Issue 33, December 1989. Errors in spelling and grammar are presented as they appear in the original publication.

HOW TO FORGET ABOUT JESUS AND CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE!
by the Right Reverend Jesse Sump, Ancient Abbreviated Calif. of California, and Pastor Present of the First Evangelical and Unrepentant Church of No Faith (Discordian SubGenius)
FRENZIED CAMP MEETING!
Step forward and take the pledge to:
Forget About Jesus!
For two thousand years people have been thinking about Jesus and where has it gotten them? Into wars, on one another's backs, down the dark road of feudalism, etc. So let J.R. "Bob" Dobbs tell you once and for all how to turn over a new leaf and Forget About Jesus!

Join our door-to-door crusade to help your neighborhood forget about Jesus.

"I prayed to Jesus once," says Rev. Jesse Sump, "And He appeared before me in a host of angels and said just to forget about Him, that He was sorry he ever said anything to begin with." Yes, folks, all thinking about Jesus causes is religion, and even religious people agree there are already too many of those, anyway.

Even Satanists make themselves miserable thinking about Jesus and about the people who think about Jesus all the time. So they, too, are invited to join our Jesus Obsessives Anonymous and call a person who will help, whenever that urge to think about Jesis is a temptation.

Enter our CASH PRIZE Testimonial Essay Contest: How I forgot about Jesus and what it did for me!

Street evangelist rap: "Pardon me, sir or madam, but have you forgotten about Jesus?"
Sir or madam: "No."
Evangelist: Well, then, why don't you? It might change your whole life, you might see things in a whole new, liberated, way!"
Sir or madam: "Get away from me before I call the police!"
At this point you will begin to get the point of what Jesus said to Rev. Sump, but don't be discouraged — that only proves how great the need is for people to Forget About Jesus!
Evangelist: "There are many equally interesting people to think about besides Jesus: Mahatma Gandhi, Albert Schweitzer, Bob Dylan, Pat Benetar, Huey Lewis and the News, Frank Sinatra, Emperor Joshua Norton, Vanessa Williams..."
Sir or madam: "You, sir, are a fanatic and an embarrassment!" (Conversations like this seldom convert the sir or madam; it should be noted however that they help confirm the street evangelist in his or her own conviction that people should, in fact — or at least might as well — Forget About Jesus.)

How to forget about Jesus through hypnosis, prayer and the laying on of hands.

Testimonials: "I had thought about jesus for years, and believe me, my life has been happier since I decided to think about something else."—Jesse Sump, A.A.C.C.
(The 23rd Olympics are sponsored by Sears—as Illuminati buffs may care to note).
"I spent the first half of my life being for Jesus and the second half of my life being against Jesus," testifies Dallas District attorney Frank V., "And then I learned how to forget about Jesus and just mind my own business. Until then, I had no idea my own business was so interesting!"
"There's no doubt about it," admits Pat Robertson, born-again fundamentalist preacher of TV's 700 Club, "Most people would be better off if they forgot about Jesus — so would their friends and neighbors and all the other victims of our satellite communications spying system."
"The secret to big sales in business," confides J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, "is not to take to a potential client about Jesus—especially if he is Japanese, Chinese or Russian."
"Or Jewish," Dobbs adds.

Be the first on your block to join the millions who'd rather forget about Jesus and would prefer that everyone else—particularly the residents of Ireland—would also forget about Jesus.

Buy one of our Forget-About-Jesus raffle tickets to help send missionaries to Ireland and maybe you'll win an expense-paid vacation in Dobbstown, where everyone is so busy talking about "Bob" and Wotan and the Xists and Brown and Root and speculating as to whether Philo Drummond is Roger Lovin or Robert Anton Wilson that there just isn't much time to think about Jesus.

(Kerry Thornley may be reached at PO Box 5498, Atlanta, GA 30307.)

← Factsheet Five project